Food Town

Show of hands: Who eats meals? I'd raise both of my hands with fervor if I could, but I gots to keep my hands on the keyboard for my adoring fans. Meals are so good. They are so freakin good. Imagine a meal right now. So good, right?

A trip to the grocery store is the first step to the whole meal-making process. Ingredients might include: 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a Sesame Street bun.

I'm sure we all have our favorite/most visited market. Mine is favorite'd due to it's proximity to where I make the meal-magic happen. Your choice could be it's amazing deals, choice of organic choices or vegan choices*, or there's a hot number workin that cash-register**.

My grocery store, at times, is rockin 4 out of 4 of the prior pros I listed. I'm not die-hard organic, and CERTAINLY not a vegan***, but it's still fun to see cool options. My Harlem grocery is a Foodtown. Other not as bomb-diggity groceries that are nearby are PathMark, C-Town, and Associated Foods.

This morning, I had a pretty uplifting morning this morning*. On my way home from some "business" I stopped by my local grocer's freezer for some knick-knacks. There was a new employee behind the register, and she was figuring out the buttons with help from her bagger, Vance****. I almost was in a good enough mood to be entirely too corny and say, "Welcome to my favorite Foodtown," "Welcome on board!" or "WHOOP WHOOP! You one of the good guys, now! Fight hunger!!! YAAY!" But, thankfully, I didn't do anything besides smile.

As I left the building, it occurred to me: Foodtown. Foodtown. Say it with me! "Foodtown." First thought is grocery store, but let's go further. FOODTOWN! Food town. Town of food. Oh my gosh, give me more! It's brilliant! OF COURSE I want to go to a town of food! Houses made of chicken breast! It rains Frank's Red Hot! Apples grow on trees!



"Hey Drew?"
Yes?
"Wanna go to Food Town?"
Ummmmm, YES!!!
"Mind if we stop by Happyville and maybe swing by AWESOME FREAKIN CITY, too?"
OMG r0x0rz let's go!

Let's visit our other fine grocery stores for a second.

PathMark. So, I'm wandering around in an open area, I see a little sign that points me back to the main trail. End of story. PATHMARK. Not hungry.

C-Town. What the hell do I say for this. C could mean Cocoa Puffs. Cocoa Puffs Town*****. Delicious, maybe, but I need protein if I'm going to wow the ladies with my muscles. Knaw mean?!

Associated Foods. Ridiculous. Now, I think of a food I want to eat, and immediately am forced to find things by which they are associated. Corn Flakes: Old, smelly farmer Jimbo, with that one tooth that's just got no idea where it's supposed to be. Really not hungry.


OF COURSE I'll go to Foodtown! It's a beautiful thing! Both in reality and in my warped sense of what a town of food would be! It will be my grocery till the end of time, even though I think half of their products are past the expiration date.

* Redundancy is the key to getting a point across. Use it. Use it often.
** Cash-register is not a euphemism for ass.
*** I would be more likely to eat human-meat. Someone call Danny Devito. He's got a guy for everything.
**** Bagger Vance. YES!
***** It rains milk...puddles form...they become chocolate milk puddles after some time.

Dominos Knows

My computer has been falling apart, slowly, for the past 4 months. First, random, unprovoked (seemingly) shut downs. Then stalling every 8 seconds, or so, for small periods of time. Finally, total loss of keyboard and trackpad functionality. I used a pen tablet used for drawing to act as a mouse*. Now, I have a new external USB keyboard.

So, my computer is now fully functioning the way someone in a wheelchair is fully functioning. It can live a fully capable, wonderful life, but not without all the bulky, external hardware to help. It's awesome, comparatively , but my laptop essentially has become a less-powerful desktop computer.


For the 3 people that might happen upon this website in the coming year (my sister, Liz Cherry, and blog-surfer Johannes from Sweden) I owe you a post.


About a month ago, there was another wonderful commercial running that I just loved. Domino's Pizza® ran a commercial boasting that 2 out of 3 people preferred their new Oven Baked Sandwiches to Subways subs.

I challenge you to Mortal Kombat**. I challenge you to take a bite out of the deli ham, veggie, and thinly sliced provolone sandwich. NOW. Take a bite of the sensuous, succulent Domino's Oven Baked Sandwich...yeah, baby. That's some sweet-ass fat content. No wonder you like it. Even from the commercial, which is Domino's perfect-world sangwich, oozes with it's cheese and grease. OF COURSE it tastes better! That's what it's meant to do! You're Domino's: You take gooey cheese, slap it on something, and make fatty-magic. You compare yourself to Subway. I know there are ways to make a truly terrible Subway sub. Just put the sloppy tuna on the bread, and wham, already you got a doozy. However, Subways whole thing is that it's a healthier alternative. Healthy doesn't always taste bad, but you don't see Celery Products of America gallivanting about with "Taste is job 1!!!!!"



2 out of 3 people also preferred the taste of Pepsi to water. 2 out of 3 people preferred the taste of cookies to broccoli. 2 out of 3 people preferred a warm bath to being tar and feathered.

It shouldn't be a surprise that something loaded with the delicious tastes of the gods would win over something Satan provided to help people control their caloric intake***.

Hey Domino's, 2 out of 3 people**** prefer a professional journalistic website***** to this contrived crap I'm slappin on the page. And?


And to really bring it home for the big D (urbanized), they ran a more recent campaign with "Ask not what your crust can do for you...ask if it has cheese on it." Way to take something that exists as a wonderful piece of history, and just muddle it up for all of today's youth. And what's even worse than messing up relevant, powerful history, IT'S JUST NOT FUNNY! Not funny, not funny, not funny. The potential for a funny/fun, different ending to that phrase is so vast, it just kills me to hear such drivel.

Oh well, at the end of the day, I just wanna tasty treat. Bring it, Domino's.

* There is an Ink application on my Mac, and it allows me to write out letters with my mouse, translating it to text. Painstakingly annoying.
** Get over here.
*** Eat that 100 calorie pack. You goin to hell.
**** Ones me, the other is a middle schooler who says, "The pix make me lol."
***** The Onion